Captured your attention with this title didn’t I? My last IG post might have left my readers bewildered. The encrypting message, hidden amongst the script, strewn like a map which proved only visible to those privy to my deepest thoughts, emotions and experiences. So here I lie, raw and bare, shedding a dim light on the truth that lie within the text.
Coparenting would be the broad topic that I indirectly highlighted. Presently, I have the opportunity to share experience and expertise in both sides of the coin regarding this topic. I welcome and acknowledge the ease I have with my eldest’s other parent, yet I shudder and now disregard any communication with the other. Such contrasting experiences have me looking deep within, especially for the happiness, love and wellbeing of my children. After all, it is a mother’s or primary parent’s duty to ensure a child is safe, protected, loved, cared for, nurtured, and wanted. These are the brief requirements you must house to commence your task of being a parent.
Without plunging into the start of where we are today and why, let’s touch on the present….the here and now with a brief synopsis of the past to convey our derivative today.
Any single parent can attest to the daily challenges they are faced with when having to raise children on their own. I became a single mother when my eldest was 7 months old but this empowered me and I seemingly felt comfort knowing I had the opportunity to grow as a mother and as an individual due to the need of my son. I facilitated a healthy relationship with my ex partner which allowed coparenting to grow into a healthy and respecting experience in which we are friends. Many spectators are in awe of the ease of our coparenting status and exclaim how uncommon our situation is contrary to many who have separated and yet still must find common ground to ensure kids have a stable and consistent upbringing.
A few months later, I fell pregnant with my second, outside of any relationship title or status and although the counterpart preferred termination, after many discussions with family and my need for mental meditation, my decision to keep the child I had encapsulated was the best decision I could ever make! My middle rescued me to new heights to explore and discover as an individual. He taught me how to love, how to reflect, how to enjoy the silence and most of all, he became a best friend to his not-so older brother!
Coparenting with the counterpart has not been as seamless as the relationship I cherish with the ex. I have discovered that some individuals provide excuses for their lack of engagement in order to shudder their responsibilities. In the 4yrs I’ve endured excuses hatching from work (being FIFO), and my lack of last minute availability, being the cause for the lack of interaction and consistency in my child’s fundamental years of development. Now let’s place things into perspective here, as an adult, we must first and foremost take accountability and responsibility for our own actions or lack thereof! For someone that has clearly fostered a healthy and positive coparenting environment, I find it offensive that I be cause to the excuse for this apparent lack of interaction. I even heard family members utter “he’s trying”, “he is trying to find himself”, “his new partner is his priority”, “the new partner can’t handle the kids on her own”…but what does the above have to do with my son?
When I chose to become a parent, whether a single parent, or now being married, it was never an option for me to place my kids in any other position other than first! I position my kids and prioritise them before the likes of myself in many cases, without compromising my own desires, but they are at the forefront of my every movement and thought. If I plan on leaving the house I plan for my kids, where the next adventure may lie, what they might enjoy doing, seeing, eating etc! It is never an option or choice for me to think otherwise because the days I conceived each child, I made a pact I would provide them with the best…not the best of material wealth but the best of me!
Now I have a long way to go before any of my sons become parents. So for those family members enabling their sons, and making excuses for their lack of responsibility, knowledge, stability and consistency, well I can not relate. I can only hope that I would be fair, and raise my sons as if I had daughters, understanding the impact they have on their offspring. There is no time to hide your head in the sand like an ostrich when you have a child, there are no places of refuge and retreat. When you choose to become a parent you solemnly swear to provide for their physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual wellbeing! These promises I made to my sons and I hope they pass forward to their kids. From my parenting traits at present, I can ascertain that I will not be capable of enabling them, I will be honest with them and firm. There are no excuses in parenting, you are either in or out. Dropping in when it’s convenient or suits your selfish desires only clouds and confuses the child’s perception.
In 2016, when my middle was almost 3yrs old, I submitted a proposal to commence visitation and it has been consistently tarnished. Offering out my child every visitation to either of the grandparents is not a form of parenting, it is not taking on the characteristics of a responsible parent regardless of other siblings present (I have two others at home as well), it is a sheer example of the lack of interaction, commitment and responsibility my counterpart has for his firstborn child.
Simple forms of communication have been neglected. I, as the primary caregiver of this child since birth, am never informed of who is collecting him during visitation, where he is staying or where he is to be collected from. Basic offerings of communications to assist in some sort of coparenting ease. A week prior to this child commencing big school I receive a msg from his grandmother asking when he is commencing school. I’m instantly baffled by why this communication is being requested by me? Surely you would require this information from your son? That night a ripple effect text pings through and “woop there it is” the counterpart asks when he commences school. The next day this follows with what school is he attending he says he’s attending ‘said school’ what day does he start? The next morning a follow up text exclaiming why I may be avoiding the questions.
Let me be frank, for fear of being misconstrued, here are some facts. I and my husband are the financial contributors to my middle’s needs as his other parent deciphers when it is convenient for him to supply any financial contributions to his life. Now we would all love to live in the fairytale life of education and living is free if we are led by love, and I love with my all but sadly it doesn’t pay the incoming bills to survive. Our most recent accolades standing at being owed 3 months of the grand old child support (his contributions calculated at $33 a week). Let’s also point out, on my middles enrolment form for kindy, my ex partner was on the form and was able to sign in and out my middle including my hubby and a couple of friends, my counterpart, however, never once enquired as to what kindy he even attended. Now there is a thought that I was withholding that information, this is humorous as that statement can only ring true if the information is requested and denied….this was not the case the 2 yrs he attended his kindy. So a week out prior to my child commencing big school and there’s this barrage of questions as to what institution he’s attending and when is the start date, why? More importantly, where is the prelude to these questions which would be:- is he ready for school? Does he need anything? How can I contribute? So, it leads me to this feeling of entitlement. No one is entitled to anything. Funnily enough, although not so funny, my son has one parent on his enrolment form for school which yes entitles me to his academic information. It also highlights I am responsible for his fees and all other needs encompassed, which I am geared to facilitate because, I repeat, I am a mother.
It is times like these, I reflect on my own mother that would have had to make many decisions on my behalf and she was 10yrs younger. It highlights her strength, her resilience, and although I am not privy to the details, I respect, and admire her for the choices and decision she may have had to make. Now my mother who lives many oceans away, is more informed than those on these shores. She has also ensured and asked if we were ready or required any assistance. A mother’s role is eternal. It doesn’t waver like the seasons, it doesn’t sway in the wind, a mother’s role is to be the building blocks, the foundation for a child to build from. I state a mother’s role, but I must ascertain it is the role of the primary parent I base this post on. The bond between a parent and child is one of continuous learning, an over abundance of love, one of resilience, tolerance, and a declaration of selflessness and vulnerability. I never had the option or chose to walk away from my responsibility of becoming a parent, and I choose to encompass myself with the likes of others who marvel in the good, the bad and the darn right tough of parenting and still wake up to a new day ready to embark on much of the same!
No one said it was ever easy, but working hard, remaining consistent, one is always rewarded. Everyone makes mistakes, and I make many in parenting decisions I’m sure, but I ensure I am there for my kids and always will be. It also doesn’t hurt to apologise to those little loves, they love us more for our mistakes and being able to own up to them immediately.
In closing, even I as primary parent, am not entitled to anything, however, I work hard to maintain my kids trust, I develop their weaknesses and admire their strengths. I am consistent, I am a spectator as much as a coach and they know they live in a home where they are always loved and wanted! I hope those given the opportunity to spend any time with my kids, cherish and treasure the moment and feel the above. If you aren’t innately connected with my little investments, you aren’t deserving of their presence!
The K Krew 